Thursday, January 18, 2007

The A - Z of Friendship

A Friend ...
Accepts you as you are.
Believes in you.
Calls you just to say "hi."
Doesn't give up on you.
Envisions the whole of you (even the unfinished parts).
Forgives your mistakes.
Gives unconditionally.
Helps you.
Invites you over.
Just likes being with you.
Keeps you close at heart.
Loves you for who you are.
Makes a difference in your life.
Never judges you.
Offers support.
Picks you up.
Quiets your fears.
Raises your spirits.
Says nice things about you.
Tells you the truth when you need to hear it.
Understands you.
Values you.
Walks beside you.
X-plains things you don't understand.
Yells when you won't listen.
Zaps you back to reality.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Effective Anti-Smoking Ads





As if you needed any more reason to quit/not smoke, these ads should suffice.

Did They Really Just Say That?

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana....The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. --Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1,1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history....We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

The Angry Boss


On walking into the factory, the MD noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, How much do you earn?" The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $ 2000 a month, Sir. Why?"
Without answering, the MD took out his wallet and removed $ 6000 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a Few onlookers, the MD said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company". He approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the young man that I just fired?" To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man, Sir...!!!"

Monday, January 15, 2007

Mixing Cultures






World's Longest Words

ANTI-TRANSUB-STAN-TIA-TION-ALIST. And other extremely long words in the English language. How many of these do you know?

Longest Words

(45) PNEUMONO­ULTRA­MICRO­SCOPIC­SILICO­VOLCANO­ CONIOSIS (also spelled PNEUMONO­ULTRA­MICRO­SCOPIC­SILICO­VOLCANO­ .KONIOSIS) = a lung disease caused by breathing in particles of siliceous volcanic dust.

This is the longest word in any English dictionary. However, it was coined by Everett Smith, the President of The National Puzzlers' League, in 1935 purely for the purpose of inventing a new "longest word". The Oxford English Dictionary described the word as factitious. Nevertheless it also appears in the Webster's, Random House, and Chambers dictionaries.


(37) HEPATICO­CHOLANGIO­CHOLECYST­ENTERO­STOMIES = a surgical creation of a connection between the gall bladder and a hepatic duct and between the intestine and the gall bladder. This is the longest word in Gould's Medical Dictionary.


(34) SUPER­CALI­FRAGI­LISTIC­EXPI­ALI­DOCIOUS = song title from the Walt Disney movie Mary Poppins.It is in the Oxford English Dictionary.


"But then one day I learned a word

That saved me achin' nose,

The biggest word you ever 'eard,

And this is 'ow it goes:

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!"


(30) HIPPOPOTO­MONSTRO­SESQUIPED­AL­IAN = pertaining to a very long word.From Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure and Preposterous Words.


(29) FLOCCI­NAUCINI­HILIPIL­IFICATION = an estimation of something as worthless.This is the longest word in the first edition of the Oxford English Dictionary. Interestingly the most common letter in English, E, does not appear in this word at all, whilst I occurs a total of nine times. The word dates back to 1741. The 1992 Guinness Book of World Records calls flocci­nauci­nihili­pilification the longest real word in the Oxford English Dictionary, and refers to pneumono­ultra­micro­scopic­silico­volcano­koniosis as the longest made-up one.


(28) ANTI­DIS­ESTABLISH­MENT­ARIAN­ISM = the belief which opposes removing the tie between church and state.Probably the most popular of the "longest words" in recent decades.


(27) HONORI­FICABILI­TUDINI­TATIBUS = honorableness.The word first appeared in English in 1599, and in 1721 was listed by Bailey's Dictionary as the longest word in English. It was used by Shakespeare in Love's Labor's Lost (Costard; Act V, Scene I):


"O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words.

I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word;

for thou art not so long by the head

ashonorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier

swallowed than a flap-dragon."


Shakespeare does not use any other words over 17 letters in length.


(27) ELECTRO­ENCEPHALO­GRAPHICALLYThe longest unhyphenated word in Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Ed.), joint with ethylene­diamine­tetraacetate (see below).


(27) ANTI­TRANSUB­STAN­TIA­TION­ALIST = one who doubts that consecrated bread and wine actually change into the body and blood of Christ.


(21) DIS­PRO­PORTION­ABLE­NESS and (21) IN­COM­PREHEN­SIB­ILITIESThese are described by the 1992 Guinness Book of World Records as the longest words in common usage.


Some say SMILES is the longest word because there is a MILE between the first and last letters!

CHEMICAL TERMS

Two chemical terms (3,641 and 1,913 letters long) have appeared in the Guinness Book of World Records. They were withdrawn because they have never been used by chemists, and there is no theoretical limit to the length of possible legitimate chemical terms. A DNA molecule could have a name of over 1,000,000,000 letters if it was written out in full.


(1,185) ACETYL­ SERYL­ TYROSYL­ SERYL­ ISO­ LEUCYL­ THREONYL­ SERYL­ PROLYL­ SERYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ PHENYL­ ALANYL­ VALYL­ PHENYL­ ALANYL­ LEUCYL­ SERYL­ SERYL­ VALYL­ TRYPTOPHYL­ ALANYL­ ASPARTYL­ PROLYL­ ISOLEUCYL­ GLUTAMYL­ LEUCYL­ LEUCYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ VALYL­ CYSTEINYL­ THREONYL­ SERYL­ SERYL­ LEUCYL­ GLYCYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ PHENYL­ ALANYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ THREONYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ ALANYL­ ARGINYL­ THREONYL­ THREONYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ VALYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ PHENYL­ ALANYL­ SERYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ VALYL­ TRYPTOPHYL­ LYSYL­ PROLYL­ PHENYL­ ALANYL­ PROLYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ SERYL­ THREONYL­ VALYL­ ARGINYL­ PHENYL­ ALANYL­ PROLYL­ GLYCYL­ ASPARTYL­ VALYL­ TYROSYL­ LYSYL­ VALYL­ TYROSYL­ ARGINYL­ TYROSYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ ALANYL­ VALYL­ LEUCYL­ ASPARTYL­ PROLYL­ LEUCYL­ ISOLEUCYL­ THREONYL­ ALANYL­ LEUCYL­ LEUCYL­ GLYCYL­ THREONYL­ PHENYL­ ALANYL­ ASPARTYL­ THREONYL­ ARGINYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ ARGINYL­ ISOLEUCYL­ ISOLEUCYL­ GLUTAMYL­ VALYL­ GLUTAMYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ SERYL­ PROLYL­ THREONYL­ THREONYL­ ALANYL­ GLUTAMYL­ THREONYL­ LEUCYL­ ASPARTYL­ ALANYL­ THREONYL­ ARGINYL­ ARGINYL­ VALYL­ ASPARTYL­ ASPARTYL­ ALANYL­ THREONYL­ VALYL­ ALANYL­ ISOLEUCYL­ ARGINYL­ SERYL­ ALANYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ ISOLEUCYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ LEUCYL­ VALYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ GLUTAMYL­ LEUCYL­ VALYL­ ARGINYL­ GLYCYL­ THREONYL­ GLYCYL­ LEUCYL­ TYROSYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ GLUTAMINYL­ ASPARAGINYL­ THREONYL­ PHENYL­ ALANYL­ GLUTAMYL­ SERYL­ METHIONYL­ SERYL­ GLYCYL­ LEUCYL­ VALYL­ TRYPTOPHYL­ THREONYL­ SERYL­ ALANYL­ PROLYL­ ALANYL­ SERINE = Tobacco Mosaic Virus, Dahlemense Strain.This word has appeared in the American Chemical Society's Chemical Abstracts and is thus considered by some to be the longest real word.


(39) TETRA­METHYL­DIAMINO­BENZHYDRYL­PHOSPHINOUS = a type of acid.This is the longest chemical term in the Oxford English Dictionary (2nd Ed.). It does not have its own entry but appears under a citation for another word.


(37) FORMALDEHYDE­TETRA­METHYL­AMIDO­FLUORIMUMChemical term in the Oxford English Dictionary (2nd Ed.).


(37) DIMETHYL­AMIDO­PHENYL­DIMETHYL­PYRAZOLONEChemical term in the Oxford English Dictionary (2nd Ed.).


(31) DICHLORO­DIPHENYL­TRICHLORO­ETHANE = a pesticide used to kill lice; abbrv. DDT.It is the longest word in the Macquarie Dictionary and is also in the Oxford English Dictionary (2nd Ed.).


(29) TRINITRO­PHENYL­METHYL­NITRAMINE = a type of explosive.This is the longest chemical term in Webster's Dictionary (3rd Ed.).


(27) ETHYLENE­DIAMINE­TETRA­ACETATEThe longest unhyphenated word in Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Ed.), joint with electroencephalographically (see above).


(26) ETHYLENE­DIAMINE­TETRA­ACETIC = a type of acid; abbrv. EDTA.This word appears in Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary (10th Ed.).

PLACE NAMES

There are many long place names around the world. Here are a few of the largest.


(85)TAUMATA­WHAKA­TANGI­HANGA­KOAUAU­O­TAMATEA­TURIPUKAKA ­PIKI­MAUNGA­HORO­NUKU­POKAI­WHENUA­KITANA­TAHUA hill in New Zealand. This Maori name was in general use, but is now generally abbreviated to Taumata. The name means: the summit of the hill, where Tamatea, who is known as the land eater, slid down, climbed up and swallowed mountains, played on his nose flute to his loved one.


(66)GORSA­FAWDDACH­AIDRAIGODAN­HEDDO­GLEDDOLON­PENRHYN­ AREUR­DRAETH­CEREDIGIONA town in Wales. The name means: the Mawddach station and its dragon teeth at the Northern Penrhyn Road on the golden beach of Cardigan bay.


(58) LLAN­FAIR­PWLL­GWYN­GYLL­GOGERY­CHWYRN­DROBWLL­LLANTY­ SILIO­GOGO­GOCHA town in North Wales. The name roughly translates as: St. Mary's Church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool of Llantysilio of the red cave. It is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records.


(41)CHAR­GOGAGOG­MAN­CHAR­GOGAGOG­CHAR­BUNA­GUNGAMOGAnother name for Lake Webster in Massachusetts. Probably the longest name in the United States. Alternative spellings are:(44) CHAR­GOGGAGOGG­MAN­CHAUG­GAGOGG­CHAU­BUNA­GUNGAMOGG,

(45)CHAR­GOGGAGOGG­MAN­CHAUG­GAGOGG­CHAU­BUNA­GUNGAMAUGG,(44)CHAR­GOGGAGOGG­MAN­CHAUG­GAGOGG­CHA­BUNA­GUNGAMAUGG.


(23) NUNATH­LOOGAGA­MIUT­BINGOI

The Eskimo name for some dunes in Alaska, according to The Book of Names by J. N. Hook.

Useless Facts

The 3 most valuable brand names on earth are:- Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser - in that order.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
No word in the English dictionary rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no-one knows why.
Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
A pack-a-day smoker will on average lose 2 teeth, every 10 years.
When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop...even your heart.
Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

This is How You Do Business

An excellent joke on how business men can accomplish anything. Enjoy.

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son...
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case..."
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates...
Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank...
Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president." President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case....."
This is how business is done.

Clever Business Signs

My favourite - On a Plumber's Shop: "We repair what your husband fixed." And at a Tire Shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout."

1) At an Optometrist's office:"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
2) In a Restaurant window:"Don't stand there hungry. Come on in and get fed up."
3) In a Podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."
4) On a Plumber's Shop:"We repair what your husband fixed."
5) On the trucks of a Plumbing Company:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call us."
6) Pizza Shop Slogan:"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
7) At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout."
8) On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
9) At a Towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
10) Another Pizza shop slogan:"Buy our pizza. We knead the dough."
11) On an Electrician's truck:"Let us remove your shorts."
12) In a Nonsmoking Area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and put you out."
13) On a Septic Tank Truck sign:"We're #1 in the #2 business."
14) On a Taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff."
15) On a Fence:"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
16) At a Car Dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
17) Outside a Muffler Shop:"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
18) In a Veterinarian's waiting room:"We'll be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
19) At a New Orleans waste disposal company:"Our business is picking up, but it still stinks."
20) At the Electric Company:"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be de-Lighted." Extra: In the front yard of a Funeral Home:"Please drive carefully. We'll wait." Extra: At a Propane Filling Station:"Tank heaven for little grills."

Cartoon Laws of Physics

The definitive laws by which all classic cartoon episodes must obey by.

Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second squared takes over.
Exception: This does not apply to cool characters who've never studied law.
Appendum: Any species capable of flight, upon distraction of vertigo, will lose ability of flight. Conversely, any two feathers held in each hand and waved will (temporarily) give flight to any character that does so.

Cartoon Law II
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease.

Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.

Cartoon Law IV
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, thus the attempt to capture it will be inevitably ultimately unsuccessful; while the attempt will often be initially successful, an essentially valueless object, such as a feather or anvil falling on the head of the character will indirectly cause the destruction of the priceless one after a short pause in which the character who has caught the object has taken a deep breath.
The feather, anvil, or other object in question is likely to have been dropped by a mouse, IF the character trying to save it is a cat.

Cartoon Law V
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.

Cartoon Law VI
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A 'wacky' character has the option of self-replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required.

Cartoon Law VII
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Corollary: Portable holes work.

Cartoon Law VIII
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.

Corollary 1: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Corollary 2: Cartoons cats have the uncanny ability to emit piano sounds when their teeth are transformed into piano keys after having a piano dropped on them.

Cartoon Law IX
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.

Cartoon Law X
Everything (especially a coyote) falls faster than an anvil, or a boulder, or a large chunk of terra firma, or...

Cartoon Law Amendment A
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Corollary: Such upward motion will usually be restricted by an overhang of the nearest cliff wall, even though said cliff wall was never visible at any other point in the cartoon.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Exception 1: Only objects capable of being lifted by the toon can be produced from behind his/her back, unless they are to be used to clobber an opponent.
Exception 2: Only objects needed by the toon to express him/herself (e.g., signs for Road Runner or Calamity Coyote), or props needed for the situation (e.g., Buster's magnifying glass for the Roches), or to humiliate an opponent for a laugh may be produced in this manner. Objects that serve solely to gratify the toon (money, a Porsche, etc.) cannot be produced in this manner.

Cartoon Law Amendment C
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.

Cartoon Law Amendment D
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be witnessed by observing the behavior of a canine suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first, causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will begin to fall, causing the neck to stretch. As the head begins to fall, tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions until such time as it strikes the ground.

Cartoon Law Amendment E
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which postulated that the tensions involved in maintaining a space would cause the creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick-sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B), which may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.

Cartoon Law Amendment F
Any bag, sack, purse, etc. possessed by a cool character is a tesseract - any number of objects of any size may be placed in it or removed from it with no change in its outer dimensions.

Cartoon Law Amendment G
Characters can spin around and change into any set of clothes appropriate to the situation.

Cartoon Law Amendment H
Rabbits can dig a burrow from here to there in less than 20 seconds and emerge spotlessly clean.

Cartoon Law Amendment I
Movements are accompanied by funny sound effects.
Especially eye blinks, which usually are accompanied by xylophone or or other percussive noise type tinkles with each blink.

Cartoon Law Amendment J
Vehicle Uncertainty Principle: A vehicle travelling along a straight path which extends to the horizon uninterrupted remains in state of indeterminacy-- existing invisibly at all points along the road simultaneously-- until its waveform is collapsed by a villain entering the road. This causes the vehicle to coalesce into an observable form at that location, maintaining high velocity. Classical cartoon physics take over at this point.
Translation into plain English: As soon as Wile E. Coyote steps into the road, the bus appears to run him down.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Sketchy Hallmark Cards For Unloved Ones!

Here are some sick Hallmark cards for those people you could do without. I wonder if they're real?

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life... (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am... (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go... (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. Someday I hope to marry... (Inside card) - Someone other than you.
6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... (Inside card) - Almost lifelike!
7.. When we were together, you said you'd die for me... (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.
8. We've been friends for a very long time... (Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
9. I'm so miserable without you... (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.
10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy... (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket... (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
12. Your friends and I wanted to do something really special for your birthday... (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.
13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Arkansas, Alabama, Mississippi, and West Virginia.)
14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder... (Inside card) - What was I thinking?
15. Congratulations on your wedding day!... (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

Microsoft Tech Support

A quite witty and ingenious story of a stranded helicopter in Seattle.

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get back to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building with lights on and flew toward it, the pilot had the passenger draw a handwritten sign reading "WHERE AM I?" and hold it up for the building's occupants to see.
People in the building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the passenger asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position. The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the Microsoft support building, they gave me a technically correct but entirely useless answer."

Sick Random Facts

Collection of random facts. Interesting, worth the read.

1) In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of thumb".
2) Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled "Gentlemen Only... Ladies Forbidden"... and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
3) Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
4) It is impossible to lick your elbow.
5) Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
6) Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king in history: Spades - King David Hearts - Charlemagne Clubs - Alexander, the Great Diamonds - Julius Caesar
7) 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
8) Question: If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"? Answer: One thousand
9) In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase... "goodnight, sleep tight."
10) It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
11) This is pretty sick. I can read it actually! I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.
Amazing huh?

Friday, January 12, 2007

11 Things That School Doesn't Teach You

Bill Gates used these eleven rules for a high school speech. His honesty is commendable.
Rule 1 Life is not fair - get used to it.
Rule 2 The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
Rule 3 You will NOT make 40 thousand dollars a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice president with car phone, until you earn both.
Rule 4 If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. He doesn't have tenure.
Rule 5 Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping they called it Opportunity.
Rule 6 If you mess up,it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7 Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you are. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8 Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life has not. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
Rule 9 Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you find yourself. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10 Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
Rule 11 Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
Bill Gates spoke before a group of high school students and gave them his eleven rules of life. The rules are taken from the book "Dumbing Down our Kids" by educator Charles Sykes. It is a list of eleven things you did not learn in school and directed at high school and college grads.

Opposite Proverbs

I always am annoyed when older people or wannabe smart people tell me some proverb and shake their head. now i finally can have a witty response to them.
A collection of opposite proverbs:
All good things come to those who wait. /\ Time and tide wait for no man.
The pen is mightier than the sword. /\ Actions speak louder than words.
Wise men think alike. /\ Fools seldom differ.
The best things in life are free. /\ There’s no such thing as a free lunch .
Slow and steady wins the race. /\ Time waits for no man .
Look before you leap. /\ Strike while the iron is hot .
Do it well, or not at all. /\ Half a loaf is better than none.
Birds of a feather flock together. /\ Opposites attract.
Don’t cross your bri dg es before you come to them. /\ Forewarned is forearmed.
Doubt is the beginning of wisdom. /\ Faith will move mountains.
Great starts make great finishes. /\ It ain’t over ’till it’s over.
Practice makes perfect. /\ All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Silence is golden. /\ The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
You’re never too old to learn. /\ You can’t teach an old dog new tricks .
What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. /\ One man’s meat is another man’s poison.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. /\ Out of sight, out of mind.
Hold fast to the words of your ancestors. /\ Wise men make proverbs and fools repeat them.

Quick Brainteasers

A set of 24 brainteasers that are quick and each have a creative answer. How many can you get?

1. There is one word in the English language that is always pronounced incorrectly. What is it?
2. A man gave one son 10 cents and another son was given 15 cents. What time is it?
3. A boat has a ladder that has six rungs, each rung is one foot apart. The bottom rung is one foot from the water. The tide rises at 12 inches every 15 minutes. High tide peaks in one hour. When the tide is at it's highest, how many rungs are under water?
4. There is a house with four walls. Each wall faces south. There is a window in each wall. A bear walks by one of the windows. What color is the bear?
5. Is half of two plus two equal to two or three?
6. There is a room. The shutters are blowing in. There is broken glass on the floor. There is water on the floor. You find Sloppy dead on the floor. How did sloppy die?
7. How much dirt would be in a hole 6 feet deep and 6 feet wide that has been dug with a square edged shovel?
8. If I were in Hawaii and dropped a bowling ball in a bucket of water which is 45 degrees F, and dropped another ball of the same weight, mass, and size in a bucket at 30 degrees F, them at the same time, which ball would hit the bottom of the bucket first? Same question, but the location is in Canada?
9. What is the significance of the following: The year is 1978, thirty-four minutes past noon on May 6th.
10. What can go up a chimney down, but can't go down a chimney up?
11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in the center field?
12. What is it that goes up and goes down but does not move?
13. Paul is 20 years old in 1980, but only 15 years old in 1985. How is this possible?
14. What has four legs but only one foot?
15. How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
16. Kindly old Grandfather Lunn Is twice as old as his son Twenty-five years ago Their age ratio Strange enough was three to one When does Grandfather celebrate his centenary?
17. Said a certain young lady named Gwen Of her tally of smitten young men "one less and three more Divided by four Together give one more than ten" How many boyfriends had she?
18. There was a young fellow named Clive Whose bees number ten power five The daughters to each son Were as nineteen to one, A truly remarkable hive. How many sons (drones) were in the hive?
19. A team's opening batter named Nero Squared his number of hits, the big hero! After subtracting his score He took off ten and two more And the final result was a "zero". How many hits did Nero make:
20. Some freshman from Trinity Hall Played hockey with a wonderful ball; Two times its weight Plus weight squared, minus eight, Gave "nothing" in ounces at all. What was the weight of the ball?
21. The Bar Z ranch was a dude ranch. One day a new "dude" asked one of the stable hands how many men were tending the horses in the corral. Having a mischievous sense of humor, he replied, "I saw eighty-two feet and twenty-six heads". He then walked away, leaving the dude scratching his head trying to figure it out. How many men were tending the horses?
22. One morning as Paul was getting his newspaper, he noticed on his new house something that needed to be fixed. Heading over to the hardware store, he spoke to the manager, describing his problem. The manager said, "I know just what you need". He led Paul down some aisles and stopped in front of some bins. Digging down into some of the bins, he set something up on the shelf. "I saw your house when it was built", the manager said. "Here's all that you'll need and how much it'll cost... five will be 15 cents while fifty will be 30 cents, 250 will be 45 cents, while 2507 will only cost you 60 cents. One lady, about 20 blocks from your house, bought 30247 and only paid 75 cents! These are black, but they also come in gold and silver." What was the manager selling? 23. If it takes 3 people to dig a hole, how many does it take to dig half a hole?
24. What is the beginning of eternity. The end of time and space. The beginning of every end. And the end of every place?


The Answers
1. Incorrectly.
2. 1:45. The man gave away a total of 25 cents. He divided it between two people. Therefore, he gave a quarter to two.
3. None, the boat rises with the tide. Duh.
4. White. If all the walls face south, the house is at the north pole, and the bear, therefore, is a polar bear.
5. Three. Well, it seems that it could almost be either, but if you follow the mathematical orders of operation, division is performed before addition. So... half of two is one. Then add two, and the answer is three.
6. Sloppy is a goldfish. The wind blew the shutters in, which knocked his goldfish-bowl off the table, and it broke, killing him.
7. None. No matter how big a hole is, it's still a hole: the absence of dirt. (And those of you who said 36 cubic feet are wrong for another reason, too. You would have needed the length measurement too. So you don't even know how much air is in the hole.)
8. Both questions, same answer: the ball in the bucket of 45 degree F water hits the bottom of the bucket last. Did you think that the water in the 30 degree F bucket is frozen? Think again. The question said nothing about that bucket having anything in it. Therefore, there is no water (or ice) to slow the ball down...
9. The time and month/date/year are 12:34, 5/6/78.
10. An umbrella.
11. One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.
12. The temperature.
13. The years are in B.C., not A.D. as you probably assumed. Based on the system we use to number the years, the years counted down in B.C. (but they weren't counting backwards back then).
14. A bed.
15. None. Moses didn't take animals on the ark. Noah did.
16. This year. He is 100, and his son is 50.
17. Gwen had forty-two boyfriends. 42-1=41. 41+3=44. 44/4=11. 11-1=10.
18. Five Thousand. Ten power five = 100,000. Divide that out (it was a 19:1 ratio) and you get a ratio of 95,000:5,000 (daughters:sons).
19. Four. If you square it, you get 16. Subtract his number of hits and you get 12. Subtract 10 and then 2 more and you get 0.
20. Two ounces. (Beach ball, or ping-pong ball?) 2x2=4. 4+2^2=8. 8-8=0.
21. Eleven men (and 15 horses). 11 (men) x 2 (feet per man)=22, 15 (horses) x 4 (feet per horse)=60, and 22 (men's feet) + 60 (horse's feet) = 82 feet. Also, 11 (men) + 15 (horses) = 26 (total heads).
22. House numbers. Each digit costs 15 cents.
23. It's impossible to dig a half of a hole. Either you have a hole, or you don't.
24. The letter E.